I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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