btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
