"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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