i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
