it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
3 2 1 whiskey
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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