We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I did not marry a roomba.
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