Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
