i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize