I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
