She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
