Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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