I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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