I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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