I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
my poor anus
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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