I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
