im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
