seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
