took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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