ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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