I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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