I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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