can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
