i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish I only lived at night.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
