He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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