Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
