I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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