Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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