Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
