On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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