he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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