after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
