I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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