The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
