My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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