Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
