I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
