Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
