was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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