Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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