I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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