I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
