I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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