I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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