Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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