For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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