question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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