Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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