Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize