I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
