i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize