My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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