i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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