im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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