Life is so much better after having sex.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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