I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize