I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
