Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
