I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
