Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
