I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
